


The Lion Asked For Courage

by lindsey_grissom



Series: Second Heartbeat [1]
Category: Scrubs
Genre: Hugs, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-14
Updated: 2008-02-14
Packaged: 2017-10-10 14:50:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/100966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lindsey_grissom/pseuds/lindsey_grissom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>And that scares you senseless</i>.  Part of the <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/series/3985">Second Heartbeat</a> one-shot series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lion Asked For Courage

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: _001\. Crush_.

You don't know when it happened. Hell, you didn't even realise it had until you saw him with his new boyfriend.

You said that to him, and he blushed and then you knew. And know you know you wish you didn't, because as always, you're getting the blow by blow, thrust by thrust account of everything they've been up to and it's killing you.

You thought hearing about his nerdy sex with Barbie was torture, and every girlfriend since has filled you with a sense of dread, because you just _know_ he'll tell you all about it.

But this; this is too much and it isn't because Newbie has finally found a man to hold him through the long nights, it's because you think you were there first, and it should have been you.

And that scares you senseless, because you didn't think you were that guy anymore, not after Ben.

You do think that Jordan knows, because she's been at your flat less and less for months, and she keeps making little comments you thought were jokes, but now you're not so sure.

She knew about Ben too, just like you knew about every one of her conquests. Even JD eventually. He is the only one she ever stayed silent on, for a while at least.

You watch him, every time you catch him dreaming off into space. You watch the way his eyes glaze over as his sight turns inwards, you watch the little smile he has that's happy and giddy and never aimed at anyone you can see.

You watch the way the light hits the side of his face, and how his hip juts out, just so, even when there's no counter to lean against.

You're always ready with a sharp remark and of course, the required girls' name, but inwardly you find yourself wondering where he just went, and whether there is any room for you there.

And that makes you more of a girl than he ever could be, because you don't even have the balls to admit out loud that you like him, and it's taken you years to even let yourself think it.

And you can blame it on your upbringing, you can claim your reputation would be ruined beyond repair, but the truth is you're too scared of how he makes you feel, of how much power he already has over you. You're scared of a twenty-six year old effeminate man and even the shame of _that_ isn't enough to change you.

You could find another place to work. You've been getting job offers for years. You could just go a few miles, or you could go a few states.

You think he might follow you. You're terrified he won't.

And maybe, you could have lived like this for a few more years. Denial is a speciality of yours and it's not like a little more pain would even be noticeable. And you could have had your own daydreams where things are just that little bit different; somewhere over that rainbow you wished for as a child.

But it would have been different enough that you'd never confuse fantasy with reality, because in life JD would be your straight Newbie, and in your head he'd just be yours.

But now you know he's not half as straight as you always believed; always needed to believe, and the dreams would become a little too real, a little too painful to leave behind, so now they're not even an option.

And you're starting to question just how he sees you, because are you really the father he never had? Or are you what you've always wanted to be, but you've ignored it so long you just lost your chance?

It wouldn't be the first time, but by the God you doubt exists, it's going to be the last.

You're too old for this, and dammit, but Newbie has softened you up just enough that your hard outer shell doesn't protect you so completely anymore.

This new relationship won't last, and you feel no guilt over being so sure of that. This man will go the way of all the girls before him and that you know what JD really wants; needs, has never actually worried you. Until now.

You could just make a move, of course. You could catch him during one of his "sneak hugs" and actually hug back. See where that takes you.

You won't though, because it always comes back to fear. Fear of rejection; fear of the inevitable pain. Fear of JD.

So you'll carry on listening to his nightly exploits, and you'll fasten on that mask of disgust and disdain you're so infamous for, and you'll hope this one leaves as quickly as the others. And in the back of your mind, and in the centre of your heart, you'll wait silently for him to make the first move you're just too damn scared to make.

 

**End.**


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